People are always telling me how to get rid of my migraines.
The truth is that I don’t really want to get rid of them.
Which freaks people out.
I’ve always appreciated my migraines, even before I finally found a medication that manages a fair bit of the pain. Even when the pain raged on, un-medicated and full strength, I still wanted to keep my migraines because of the amazing gifts they brought with them.
The thing about the migraines is that they are absolutely an altered state. Part of the altered state is the increased sensitivity to everything – touch, sound, smell, light – EVERYTHING. The other part the occasional euphoria, which, combined with the increased sensitivity is intensely beautiful and captivating. Sometimes even the pain itself becomes really beautiful and you can almost hear it, like music.
With this altered state comes an intense vulnerability and surrender. I am a woman who has an extremely high capacity for control, and my egoic mind delights in this, let me tell you. My ego-mind loves to control me, and control things, and control circumstances and control outcomes and control others and basically run the show.
She just loves it.
Most of the time ego mind is her on the throne, dictating and organizing and instructing and improving away, and then suddenly, from out of nowhere comes Migraine, like a HUGE linebacker, flying through the air and tackling her so hard she launches off the stage, leaving only the throne sitting there, empty. That’s how it seems.
Because, when the migraine takes over, I can’t control anything. I lose speech function and hand-eye coordination. I can think but my thoughts seem no longer limited by the structure of words. And with the hypersensitivity, my senses seem to have escaped the confines of my body and I can literally FEEL the whole environment around me.
The veil has become so thin that it seems not to exist at all.
I can’t control anything but I can experience everything. And it’s extremely pleasant, like being let out of a box for a time. It’s illuminating.
During the migraine I surrender by necessity. I become completely willing, even blissed-out. I am literally high on life, going with the flow, and allowing whatever needs to happen to happen. The sensation is a pretty close approximate to what I would describe as a spiritually expanded state, even if I cannot seem to maintain it beyond the migraine.
And in that state – I don’t want to be around other people. I’m great with being in nature, being with creatures and the like, but I don’t want to engage with and interact with the humans.
The big question this raised for me was this:
If it is true that the migraines are giving me an opportunity to experience the physical experience without the limitations that the ego mind usually places on it, if the migraines are literally thinning the veil for me by shutting down activities and propensities to control and judge and perform and resist, but I can’t really be around people in that state, how does that inform my beliefs around the social worth and acceptance of the spiritually expanded state?
If, in my temporary, artificially- expanded state, I tend to shy away from the humans, what is that telling me about my beliefs around what an expanded life would be? What it would look like and feel like?
In that state, I’m completely absorbed in my own experience, unwilling to make even the slight compromises required for normal social interaction. It’s not that I’m resisting them, it’s just that I don’t care about them. They become completely unimportant to me.
During a migraine I don’t care who I piss off, I just do what I need to do to take care of me. I prioritize my own need at that moment over all other needs. I’ll cancel things at the last minute, miss deadlines, disappoint relatives, it doesn’t matter.
During the migraine, my first priority, my ONLY priority becomes self-care.
So, extrapolate with me here…what would happen if I were permanently to expand into a state where I was no longer attempting to control everything, no longer prioritizing the needs and circumstances of other people over my own self-care, no longer relying upon words to articulate myself (having expanded beyond them, and not bothered by it!), and no longer able to keep commitments to other people?
What if I lost even what few social graces I have right now?
Can you see a barrier there? If I perceive myself as unable or unwilling to engage with human activities when I expand beyond a certain point, am I keeping myself contained all the time in order to avoid that?
Is my ego mind sabotaging my expansion because I secretly believe that it would be too hard and too scary and too lonely to spiritually expand beyond a certain point?
Because I don’t FEEL lonely during a migraine.
In that altered state I feel totally connected to everything, and aware of so much more.
The fear of the isolation that would accompany spiritual expansion may be only a night terror of my ego mind. It seems that the whole containment plan may be a construct of my ego-mind, working to keep me as small and manageable as possible.
Because the one thing I can’t be, during a migraine, is “managed.”
And I don’t need to be.
But my ego mind may have other ideas.
There is so much to this.
Obviously I don’t have answers yet, and I am not sure that actual spiritual expansion (vs. the artificial, migraine-induced sort) would be like this, so the question may turn out to be moot.
But from my current vantage point, the migraine state is the closest I have ever been to that level of spiritual expansion, (not counting dream states, of course), so it’s all my ego mind has to work with when it’s drafting the rules and regulations for how not to find yourself completely alone in the human experience.
If you have migraines, do you experience them as a spiritually expanded state?
Do you find your priorities changed when you do?
Do you find yourself avoiding human contact as much as possible during migraine, not just because of the pain, but because your filters are down?
Do you think any of this has an impact your ability and willingness to expand spiritually?
I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments below!